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Articles Tagged with “Divorce Mediation”

     Conflict is an inevitable and pervasive part of human psychology and social relationships.  The traditional approach to conflict is a flight or fight response.  The kinds of emotions that trigger this  response are hurt, anger, fear, vulnerability and pain,  the  triggers that can  bring  a couple or a relationship to the brink of separation and divorce.   When  the level of conflict is high the fight or flight leads to a situation where the disputants want to fight and win.  If someone wins, then naturally the other person loses.

While in the midst of  intense feelings it may be hard to believe that things will change, or that one has the power to make a difference.  Some parties may flee and seek the courts  and/ or an attorney for a remedy.   Some may feel stuck and remain in a negative situation until it becomes unbearable.  Regardless, the conflict is dealt with, either through avoidance or more directly through a form of dispute resolution.   For couples,  when avoidance no longer works,  mediation should be considered because the possibility of a win/win is better than the alternatives.

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Mediation is attractive because it allows the parties to take control of their situation and the resolution of their dispute.  In the marital arena  parties can go to mediation for division of property in divorce;  to work out child support and spousal support; to work on parenting issues around children; to work out custody;  and for all of these.  Mediation allows a forum  for the parties to  air their  concerns and grievances, to talk  honestly and work out solutions that they craft together.  Mediation provides a  safe place to  come to a negotiated agreement  and resolve  marital conflict in a positive way.   When parties can work together to craft either a division of property, or a custody schedule or a support plan this, most importantly,  allows for a positive relationship going forward into the future Continue Reading

 

Mediation is a wonderful tool for resolving disputes.   In divorce, especially, it can be an empowering and healing process.  However, not all marriages can be dissolved through mediation, and you almost never can successfully mediate with a narcissist.   The irony is that living with a true narcissist is a prime cause of divorce.

The shared love, compromise, mutual understanding and support necessary for a marriage to thrive are lacking in a narcissistic relationship.    If you are considering a mediated divorce, before proceeding we suggest carefully evaluating your   current relationship and your partner to see if mediation really can work for you.

The term narcissism is used with almost abandon in common parlance today to describe people who may be self-absorbed and think highly of themselves.   However, a degree of withdrawal into one’s self and having positive feelings about one’s self are not always negative qualities.   Such traits are common in many successful people who may be driven to excel.  Indeed, they may be essential for certain professions and tasks.   Narcissism appears on a spectrum from arrogance and conceit to full blown Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).     If you are married to a successful partner who has become aloof, arrogant, and/or checked out of the marriage, that does not mean that your spouse is not  a good candidate for mediation.   Look closer.

The kind of narcissist not suitable for mediation is one with  real NPD.  About 8% of men and 5% of women in the United States have NPD.   This is a clinical diagnosis for a cluster of traits that define a narcissistic personality.  Psychiatrist, Stephen E. Levick, in his book Clone Being says that “people with Narcissistic Personality disorder have a sense of grandiose self -importance and are pre-occupied with grandiose self-fantasies.  They believe that they are special and unique, and only want to associate with other special high-status people or institutions and may show arrogant haughtiness in the way they relate to others. Requiring excessive admiration, they have an unreasonable senses of entitlement, lack empathy, and are interpersonally exploitative…. Self-righteous rage, exhilaration and shame associated with anxiety are states of mind associated with Narcissistic Personality Disorder.”   The need for admiration, sense of entitlement, lack of empathy, and leanings toward exploitation are what make successful mediation impossible with someone with a narcissistic personality. Continue Reading

Mediation is a semi- formal process for resolving conflicts. The parties come together in a comfortable setting with a neutral third party who should be a certified mediator. The mediator is there to facilitate a process whereby the participants can safely discuss their issues and come to an agreement. It can be used in Divorce, Custody, Support and many other situations involving conflict. Mediators take specialized classes to prepare them for different types of mediations such as: family, labor, international, etc. If the parties are ready and suitable, mediation can be a wonderful solution because it allows the individuals to work out an agreement between themselves.

As an alternative to the traditional method of divorce, mediation has pros and cons. The positive attributes are that it is an opportunity for the parties to openly and honestly discuss the matters that brought them to this point in their relationship. It is a chance for them to work through some of the emotions, and to see to the future. It can be a time to make decisions (personal and joint) and to show caring and respect for the other party. With the help – but not legal advice of the mediator–the parties will decide how to divide their property in a way that feels fairest to them. The equitable distribution laws of the State of Pennsylvania, or of any other state do not bind them. If children are involved, the parents and not a stranger get to make the decisions about things such as where their children will live, who they will spend holidays with, how college might be paid for, who will be responsible for taking the children to the doctor, etc.

The cons of mediation are related to the pros. Since the parties do all the work, it is important that they are ready to mediate; that they are open to and trust the process; and that they be somewhat equally situated. If one party wants a resolution, but the other is being “pulled along,” the process is not likely to work. If one party is not trustworthy, or is unlikely to keep a promise made in mediation, the process will fail. If one party has all the power in a relationship, the couple usually is not suitable for mediation. Power in a relationship can be manifested in many ways. It can be economic, it can be emotional, and it can be physical. If there is a power imbalance the mediation could result in an unfair agreement.

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