Articles Posted in Parenting

Divorce if never easy, but if you have children, the issues are complicated in a way that differs from economic issues.   Spousal and child support and division of property involves mostly you and your spouse, if you have children, however, they are affected at every stage of your divorce. And how you deal with your children from the very start of your separation through the children’s adulthood can have profound impact.

Oftentimes parents think they can protect their children from the struggles of their parents. Unhappy couples may stay together for the sake of the children.   Child psychologies differ on whether, in fact, this does children well.   Children are extremely sensitive and pick up upon the tension, anger, and hurt that parents may be experiencing even if parents may be “putting on a good face.”   Thus, the idea of “sticking it out” until the kids are grown, while well intentioned, may not be the best choice—especially if the level of discord between the parents is high.

If you have decided to separate, involving your children in suitably in the separation and divorce process is exceedingly important. Child development experts agree that being upfront with children and telling them what is happening is important.   Edward Kruk, PhD., advises that you should talk with your children about divorce.

Recently, the Superior Court of Pennsylvania provided some helpful clarification for custody litigants. The case, R.L.P. v. R.F.M., involved a custody order which was delivered orally by a Judge sitting in Montgomery County. This means that the Judge explained the Custody Order on the record and subsequently let the transcript of the hearing serve as the order. The Superior Court’s opinion clarified that all custody orders have to be delivered in a separate, written order.

This is important for several reasons. Custody Orders are frequently complex, and rightly so. Parties should walk away from a custody trial with no confusion as to how they are going to co-parent their children. In R.L.P. v. R.F.M, the transcript of the trial (which subsequently became the order) was 46 pages long, and included corrections and confusions. The Superior Court noted that when an order is confusing or contradictory, it is significantly harder to enforce.

When a Judge explains the intricacies of a Custody Order in the courtroom, oftentimes it becomes difficult to then enforce that order. In this case, the Superior Court noted that in order to understand the terms of the order, one had to read the transcript several times. A separate, written order gives both parties a tangible document to look to for guidance if a disagreement regarding the children presents itself. A Custody Order delivered orally on the record is just one example of a very dangerous phenomenon in family law: vague orders.

Continue reading

ANGRY EMAILS? … HOSTILE TEXTS? … NASTY LETTERS?  

Consider the BIFF RESPONSE® METHOD

Have you been the recipient of angry tests, nasty emails, and ugly outbursts in public?   Has your ex said nasty things about you on a social media site?   Has the parent of your child said bad things about you?  Have the things said made you angry, embarrassed, humiliated, or infuriated?   Have you reacted and then perhaps regretted your reaction.  Have you found yourself in a hearing with the threat that nasty texts between you and your partner were going to be presented to a judge?      In our family law practice we come across all kinds of situations and people.  The cases that present the most conflict, however,  often involve one party who seems to thrive on hostilities.   Our philosophy is to minimize conflict.    Our goal is to reduce the anger and angst of family matters,  so when a case presents with communication difficulties between the parties—especially  unkind, nasty,  accusatory messages–  we seek out ways to help clients learn skills to deal with  the high conflict people who  engage them and the attendant situations.  Thus, we are sharing the BIFF  Response Method of Conflict Resolution here.

Divorce  never is easy, but if you have children the issues are complicated in a way that differs from the economic issues.   Spousal and child support and division of property involves mostly you and your spouse.   If you have children,  they are affected at every stage of your divorce. ..and how you deal with your children from the very start of your separation through the children’s adulthood can have profound impact.

Oftentimes parents think they can protect their children from the struggles of their parents. Unhappy couples may stay together for the sake of the children.   Child psychologies differ on whether, in fact, this does children well.   Children are extremely sensitive and pick up on the tension, anger, and hurt that parents may be experiencing — even if parents may be “putting on a good face.”   Thus, the idea of “sticking it out” until the kids are grown, while well intentioned, may not be the best choice—especially if the level of discord between the parents is high.

If you have decided to separate, involving your children suitably in the separation and divorce process is exceedingly important.  Child development experts agree that being upfront with children and telling them what is happening should be a  major consideration.   Edward Kruk, PhD., advises that you should talk with your children about divorce.

  • Provide facts about what is happening between mommy and daddy without going into the reasons.   You can let your children know that their parents have differences and will no longer be living together, but you do not have to give the reasons why.
  • Allow children their questions, and answer them honestly. This is essential. Your children may want to know what will happen to them; where they will sleep, will they still see their friends and family, whether they will have to move. Be clear about what will happen in your children’s lives.
  • Remind the children that both parents love them and that the cause of the parent’s split has nothing to do with the children this is critical.

Children may fantasize that parents will get back together.   It is best to not let them indulge this fantasy to excess.

Dr. Fran Walfish a family and relationship psychotherapist and the author of The Self-Aware Parent: Resolving Conflict and Building a Better Bond with Your Child adds the following tips for the newly divorced or divorcing parents: Continue reading

 Custody, In Loco Parentis and Reproductive Assistive Technology

With more couples building families through reproductive assistive technology, custody questions  may become an issue  if the original family is no longer is intact, if the parents never married, and/or if the non-biological parent did not adopt the child.   More and more courts are being asked to determine custody in these cases.   There are steps that couples can take to help avoid or minimize this intervention.   The  facts and result in a recent Pennsylvania case are instructive.

In the  case of C. G. v. J.H.,  J.H. conceived a child by artificial insemination.    C.G. and J.H. were not married and Florida (where they resided)  did not recognize same sex marriage at that time.   J.H. was the biological mother.   The child, J.W.H. , was born in Florida in October 2006, while C.G. and J.H. were living together as a same-sex couple.   C.G. and J.H. continued to live together for about five more years.   The relationship, however,  began to wane and J.H. moved with the child to a separate residence in Florida and then moved to Pennsylvania in July 2012.

About three years later, in 2015, C.G. petitioned the Pennsylvania Court for shared legal and partial physical custody, alleging that she, C.G. “also acted (and acts) as a mother to the minor child …[and] the minor child was conceived by mutual consent of the parties with the intent that both parties would co-parent and act as mothers to the minor child.”    Since C.G, was not the biological parent,  J.H. alleged that she did not have  “standing” to bring the matter at all.    Because the parties were not married at the time of conception, and because C.G. did not adopt the child,   the trial court held extensive hearings looking into the roles of each party to determine whether there was sufficient status for C.G, to raise the claim for custody.   iStock-517851326-300x220

As might be expected, the testimony conflicted.   Just as in a traditional custody case, the parties presented extensive evidence including  who attended to the child’s “[p]hysical, [e]motional, and [s]ocial needs.”   Testimony including facts of  day-to-day life was considered by the judge, as were facts regarding  decision-making about the child’s medical and educational needs, child care, financial support and other items.
Continue reading